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tiempo no lo hare esperar porque nos

So...it's almost been a year now.  I can't believe it.  I'm begining to forget her and that scares me.  I don't want to forget her.  I never do.  You know, I always tryed to imagine my wedding when I was little, like normal little girls, and the one thing I saw was her standing beside me when I put my wedding dress on.  She stands there saying how beatiful I look and how she can't believe I grew up so fast.  I seen her big smile and her eyes filled with tears as the time comes near for me to go out into the church.  That was then, now I can't see anyone there.  Who's going to be beside me when I am ready?  I ponder about this all the time.  I can't think of anyone else who can come close to filling that place.  I guess I'll have to be alone.  Although I would really like if I could have someone.  But I know I can't.  Not a night goes by when I don't think about that.  It always seems to get me.  Most people say I'm strong because I can talk about it like this and not completely break down, visably they mean.  They have no clue what's going through my head at the time.  I'm supposed to be strong but I can't anymore.  Everynight I cry.  I can't let her go.  I say I have because everything has to move on even if one person is lost.  I guess I just want to be strong for everyone else.  I hate when people bring her up and I hear them, but then again I love it because then I know she wasn't forgotten.  She was known as the cool mom.  She was fun and loving, all my friends loved her.  She wasn't really strict but strict enough to teach me what I needed.  It helped alot near the end.  I was all that was left to help her.  I became the mother at only 10.  I basically kept her alive till that night.  I couldn't be there to help her.  That still kills me.  If only I was there that night I could have stopped everything.  Or if I had listened and got the sign but I didn't.  I know it's not my fault but still I could have done something.  I wish she wasn't like what she was at the end.  I didn't even know her.  I remember the old mother I had.  But the new that recently took her place I had no clue.  I couldn't figure her out.  No, it wasn't her, it was something else.  The drugs, alcohol, and everything else wasn't her.  She was the loving mother who's lite up when I walked in the door from school that day showing her my papers and her asking if I needed any help with my homework.  She was the mother who if I was sad or something went wrong that would sit and talk with me till I was fine again.  I miss that.  I always Have.  For 3 years now.  I guess I can say I'll be a good mother when I'm older.  I know the rights and wrongs.  I did feed and do everything she should have done for 3 years.  I took care of two other kids my age.  I shouldn't have had to do that.  But I did.  Oh well.  All is done now.  I can't reverse time.  I wish I could, but don't we all.  I know most people won't take the time to read this but I had to get this out to someone/ something.  I hope I didn't disappoint you with you hoping you would read something good and you end up reading my sappy story about how I miss her.  But if you did read this and knew her you'd understand why I wrote this.  I'm sorry if I disappointed you.

- In Loving Memory- Safrona "Renaee" Kincaid.♥